Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
