I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
