69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
