After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
