I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
