I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
