she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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