I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
