1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
