Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
