i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
