Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
