youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
