saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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