I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
