Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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