oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
