Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
