Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
