Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
