I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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