just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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