In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
