It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
