did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
