Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
