My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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