Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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