I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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