Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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