i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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