i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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