apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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