I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
