my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
its liver damage thursday
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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