i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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