I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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