i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
