then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
