i think i have herpe
just one?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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