somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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