I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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