We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
