Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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