In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
