oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
