i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
