I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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