when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
