Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
